So I haven’t written on here for a while, because, well, life-busy-excuses-blah-etc. So I thought, what better day to come back, than my Birthday?

In honour my return to weekly rambles, I thought I would treat you all to 33 of my top tips in life! Buckle up Buttercups, you is about to get schooled!

(Having written this out now, I feel like it is more of a health and safety PSA.)

1. Teeth do not make good bottle openers. Just because you are high, does not mean you are the Hulk. I repeat – you do not have extra special drunk person powers! You will regret this 10 years later, when you have a chip in it, to remind you of this fact.
2. Spoons cannot be microwaved. Check that it has not sunk into the porridge before you close the door. You WILL need a new microwave. But cool indoor lightning show… so…
3. Do not try to placate an angry Goose. You are not Ace Ventura and stating that you want it to come to you and that it is your jungle friend will only make it madder. (They don’t come from the jungle – apparently, that’s racist.)
4. When embarking on a juice cleanse, do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to leave the house, unless you have an adult nappy on. Also, don’t do juice cleanses, they are stupid!
5. Read the warning signs on hairspray cans. Lighting a cigarette near your circa 1999, liberally coated fringe will cause a fire to blaze on your head. (Side note: Do not let your friend throw her Vodka drink at it, this is NOT advised.)
6. Make sure you are prepared when taking a shower. Running naked across tiled flooring to get a clean towel out of the tumble dryer whilst wet is a hazard.
7. NEVER leave a prawn sandwich in a hot car.
8. When attending family weddings, please refrain from trying tequila for the first time. You will end up passed out in the toilets and have the entire wedding party looking for you. They will also never let you forget it.
9. Know your limitations part 1 – If you attempt to push a king sized mattress up from the basement on your own, at midnight, you may get trapped behind it. If this happens, make sure you take your phone with you so you can call for help…
10. Know your limitations part 2 – If you know you are afraid of heights, do not climb into the loft and then not be able to get down. Repeat instructions from No 9.
11. Try to avoid hangovers. However, in the event of one occurring, pickled onion Monster Munch, strawberry Yahoo and bacon will work 99% of the time. The other 1% – you have alcohol poisoning and you fucked up… go lay down on the bathroom floor and wish you were dead.
12. When calling your colleague to bitch about your boss, do the following: 1) Make sure you are not on speaker phone. 2) Make sure your boss is not in the room. I recommend signing on the next day in the event this happens.
13. If house-sharing, be advised that if you continually use your housemate’s shampoo, they will put Hot Sauce in it and make you feel like No 5.
14. When purchasing condoms, ensure you do not have something caught in your eye. Winking at the check-out BOY is inappropriate, creepy and may cause alarm.
15. Frogs play dead when scared. Be certain it is dead before picking up with kitchen utensils.
16. FROGS SCREAM when picked up with kitchen utensils!
17. On flirting during your workout: A) Do not faint. B) Do not slide down the guy’s body when he is in downward facing dog, whilst fainting. C) Do not wake up and vomit beside workout Bae. In conclusion, don’t flirt during Bikram (hot) Yoga, you ridiculous red hot sweaty inadequate mess.
18. DO pretend you know magic card tricks at a party. Everyone will think you are some sort of magical wizard, give you free drinks and you will become a legend. No one will know that you are just looking at their card because they will be too wasted to notice. You can now put this on your CV.
19. When attending an acting job, refrain from binge eating Polos beforehand. (They have laxatives in them.)
20. Never lick a steak knife.
21. Check your surroundings. If you decide to pole dance around a lamp post on school property, ascertain whether there is CCTV in the area. If you don’t, you may be called in by the entire Senior Leadership Staff and made to watch it as they laugh at you, before putting you in detention.
22. When unblocking a toilet, do not use marigolds. They are not long enough. Trust me on this.
23. When auditioning for Chekhov’s The Seagull and asked if you have any special skills, I wouldn’t proceed to give them your best seagull impression. You are not what they are looking for. You will never be asked back to the most prestigious Theatre Company in the world again. This may have ruined your career. But you can be proud that you really do make a great seagull voice.
24. If you jump on the back of an old Routemaster bus, make sure your bag does not swing around the pole. If this happens, do not attempt to alight the bus, as you will be dragged around Picadilly Circus until you have no skin left and need crutches.
25. Do not tell your best friends of terrible experiences with buses. They will laugh at you, even when you are crying. This will traumatise you forevermore. Hateful, hateful people. You know who you are.
26. Check that you have underwear on when Irish Dancing. Always. Those high kicks…
27. Stop ordering small popcorn at the cinema. You are lying to yourself and everyone in that cinema knows it. JUST STOP! Live your true life.
28. Don’t go swimming with Sharks whilst on your period. They get REEEAAAL friendly!
29. Don’t steal and drink a bottle of Cointreau from your Dad’s drink’s cabinet and then go ice-skating. Things will not go well for you. You WILL be grounded.
30. Don’t trust anyone who eats Jellied Eels. They are the food of Satan.
31. Don’t let your sibling shave your eyebrows. You will look like Effie from The Hunger Games: Mockingjay… It will never grow back the same.
32. When deciding to write a list of all the stupid shit you have done, make sure you drink wine to numb all the PTSD flashbacks.
33. Laugh at yourself. Everyone does stupid shit, you are not alone. Embrace your cringe-worthy tragicomedy life. It’s all good!

 

Welcome back to my fort kids – it has presents, birthday candles and that song that you have to listen to people sing to you… awkwardly… for ages… every year… just sing me a show tune instead!